Saturday, April 5, 2014

Then and Now

Then: The following entry was written spring semester of sophomore year, in Rome, a month after finding out I didn't get Student Minister
There will be a night, or a whole day, or even a few days, when you won't want to do it anymore. Maybe you're far from home, maybe you got rejected. You feel unwanted, unloved, unmissed. And you're mad at God and mad at the people you miss which is making it complicated, and you're mad at your favorite pizza place for not being open at 11:30pm.
And you'll cry and you'll mope and you'll watch too many episodes of that trashy show you're obsessed with but can't tell anyone about. And you'll wish you were anywhere but here and doing anything else. And you'll want to hit something hard, like swinging an axe, not hurting anyone, but just getting out the hurt you feel inside because you can't bear to feel it anymore. And even though you know that it will pass, that you will eventually be okay, that doesn't help whatsoever. Because until then, you're stuck here. And it turns out the only way to get there is waiting. Waiting for it to get better.
And it does get better. Slowly. The due date of a paper you planned on spending an all nighter on gets pushed back. Friends going to dinner make you leave your room, and you force yourself to do it, and surprise yourself by enjoying it and not even talking about your pain.
Somehow life goes on. And time passes. And then you get to a point where that night, or that day, or those days that you got through, are memories, ones you'd rather not remember. But you did.
You did.
Now: Spring semester of junior year, one month after finding out I didn't get Student Minister
There will be a day, maybe weeks later, maybe months and even years later, when it will all make sense. All the hurt you felt and the pain you went through under a cloud of rejection and confusion will come to face the light of purpose. You will feel strong and validated and confident again. You will love the people who hurt you and you will thank God for not giving you what you thought you wanted from them.
You will become someone you never thought you could be. You come to see that the plan that you had for yourself before wasn't even close to what God had in store for you. You look forward to the surprises He still has planned, knowing that just like you won't be able to stop planning, He won't be able stop working His will for you into those plans, changing them and improving on them. You will learn to trust that just because He didn't make your dreams come true the way you wanted Him too, He still makes good on them.
You'll see how God uses the broken places in your past, when it was hardest to love Him, to guide the ways that you will now serve Him best. You'll see that the pain you felt was an indicator of your will being unable to succumb to His. You will surrender.
You will see your future as light shining so bright that all you can see is Him. You know all the rest will fall into place as long as He is at the center.
You will make it. You are His.

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