Saturday, March 8, 2014

Why Are You Afraid?

23 Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. 24 Suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. 25 The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!” 
26 He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid? Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. 27 The men were amazed and asked, “What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!”

I came home last night and cried at my kitchen table. All of a sudden, my plans I had for senior year are not what I had hoped and planned for. Realizing that I'm not serving in Student Ministry was a blow, but since I don't have a good lottery number, it also means I'll most likely have to live off campus, and even that is going to be hard to swing. I had these hopes of serving in this leadership at CUA and making a difference and doing what I had wanted to do for so long, and now all of a sudden I don't have any leadership connections to Campus Ministry since I'm leaving CAC and now I'm not even going to be on campus, and maybe not even with people I know very well. It's like my great big plan got slipped out from under me in one fell swoop. I'm in the middle of a furious storm, and with wave after wave hitting me, it feels like Jesus is asleep while I'm stuck in a sinking boat.

My prayer life lately has consisted of me saying to God, "Well, YOU figure it out, You're the one who got me into this mess," and then giving Him the cold shoulder.

Which is not QUITE the same as the "offering it up" or "putting it in God's hands" approach that I think I'm supposed to be shooting for. Hit and a miss, my friends. Time to ease up on the bitter and surrender to the grace.

Yes, it absolutely blows that I didn't get Student Minister. It does! Of course it sucks that I've struggled in a friendship lately and that I had to move and that now I don't know where I'm going to live next year. It's a tough hand, no one's denying it. I've been like one of the apostles on the boat, freaking out about this crazy storm, and meanwhile, Jesus is passed out not paying any attention. But when I finally humble myself to talk to Him about it, what does He say?

"Why are you afraid?"

Why do I not know that He will take care of me? Little faith, indeed. Christ hasn't left me high and dry in this storm. Even through the trials of this semester, He has made Himself present in the blessings I have received, when I remember to look for Him in them. In the new friends I've made, in the support of a mentor, in the promise of His sacrifice that I receive at every Mass. He hasn't been asleep on the job, as much as it's felt like it. He has been with me, but I've just been too caught up in my sinking boat to see that Christ has been rowing next to me all along, keeping me afloat.

In the midst of the crashing waves, my God can calm the sea.

Do not be afraid.

No comments:

Post a Comment