Sunday, December 29, 2013

"I feel fat today."

We've all said it, haven't we? So what do we mean? What prompts it? A step on the scale, a too-small pair of jeans, a look in the mirror? A critical look, from others or ourselves?

I said it yesterday. Well really, I mumbled it into my pillow through tears to my mother. I feel fat. I feel heavy, out of shape. I don't like looking in the mirror. This entire break I've pretty much lived in a pair of sweatpants and tshirts, preferring to hide myself than wear clothes that actually show the shape I'm hating.

I wasn't always like this. I've been overweight all my life (literally from the beginning, I weighed in at a whopping 11 pounds, 8 ounces at birth) and did nothing about it until the summer before my senior year of high school. I began that summer at my highest weight ever, and dropped 27 pounds before the first day of school. And I did it the right way. I worked out, I watched what I ate, and it worked. But I lost momentum, and I stayed at pretty much that same weight, with the same extra 20 pounds or so still hanging on my frame until I went abroad three years later.

I studied abroad in Italy. Y'know, the Holy Land of pizza and pasta (twice a day) and gelato (once a day). So long, diet. I felt fine while I was there, but then I came home and hated what I saw in the mirror. This past semester my roommate and I teamed up and became work out buddies, and I lost about ten pounds, which I'm proud of. But now I'm home, and the gym isn't a 30 second walk, it's a 15 minute drive, and I don't have a car to myself, and it's the holidays and there's food everywhere, and excuses, excuses, excuses. I'd be surprised if I haven't gained back at least some of the weight I lost this semester.

But tomorrow's another day. There are 2 weeks left of break, and then back at school I'll get back into my workout routine with my own food and my own schedule. There's a bigger picture. Yes, the last couple days I felt fat. But it's not who I am. And I'll lose the extra weight. I just have to remember to give myself some perspective on "I feel fat" days.

So whenever you're thinking this:

"I feel fat." 

And you're telling yourself in translation:

"I'm ugly. I'm not attractive. No one wants me. I shouldn't bother trying. I hate myself for gaining this weight."

Remember. Perspective:

"You are more than your weight. Your beauty is not dictated by numbers on a scale. You are as beautiful as you know yourself to be."

That's what I'm going to be trying to tell myself. Despite the acne that's broken out like crazy in the last week, despite the urge to eat all the Christmas candy, despite the doubts-

Love yourself.

Love, Chris

Home (Take 2)

After an 8 month blogging break, I've decided to get back into posting on here. I loved sharing on here when I was abroad in Rome last Spring, and with the New Year, I've decided to write more often. Here we go!

I'm posting from New Hampshire now, sitting by the blazing wood stove on the couch, where I've been firmly situated for most of the day. I have a whole month off this year, as opposed to the couple weeks I had at home last year before heading off to Roma on January 2nd. I only have a few things to get done over break, which is weird to get used to after the crazy amount of work this semester kept me doing.

Fall 2013 was not half bad. I wasn't expecting much from the semester after being abroad, but I kinda loved it. I came into it after a great summer working at camp, and it wasn't long before Mill South 207 was my favorite place to come home to. I love, love, love the ladies I am so blessed to live with. They keep me laughing and love me despite my less lovable qualities (cough, burping excessively, cough).

CAC predictably took over my life, and (most of the time) I was happy to let it. I think this whole year I'm going to be fighting those doubts telling me that since I'm not a competing varsity athlete at CUA anymore that I have nothing to offer to our athletes, but I'm keeping on. Planning Athletes Retreat was definitely a highlight of my semester and I'm really proud of how it went. However, I still have that desire to be in ministry in a larger way, which is why I'm spending yet another winter break (3rd times the charm?) on the Student Minister app. I'll keep ya posted.

Next semester holds 6 classes (yay Mission Trip class), a new job, a big event to lead for CAC, and Mission Trip Jamaica to close it out! I'm sure there will be bumps along the way, but I'm looking forward to it.

Thanks for catching up!
Love, Chris